In my new-year Samhain readings, I was asked to consider the intentions I have for my life. There have been phases in my life when I could answer this unequivocally. But in the Towerfall phases, when everything I built has crumbled in front of me, my honest answer is, I don't know.
So I start with what I do know. Music. Travel. Writing. Independence. Fitness. Love. Health.
One by one, brick by brick, try to keep them in balance. Be kinder to myself as I'm building.
These things feel possible if I build back up, slowly, in layers. Each cornerstone is a strong one. I can trust that what I build on them will hold. I can't know they'll hold forever – I've met too many Towers in my time to believe in forevers – but they'll hold as I build something new.
I've been thinking about my life a lot lately and how it's changed over the years. I see time through a quantum lens, where all times are one time. It is very easy for me to get stuck in a moment of my past as though it is the present. To be so attached to an old feeling I keep breathing life into its corpse, or getting caught in the memory of the smells of a kitchen long since knocked down into dust and longing to stand there again, to taste those smells again, or replaying a decision I made and wishing for a different outcome.
I find I'm pretty adept at rewriting history. Narrative is a tool I use to navigate my own life story, and as I add experiences to the brew my consciousness distills into wisdom and love that narrative gets rewritten constantly.
This is one of the reasons it can take me such a long time to integrate “new things” into my understanding of and interactions with the world outside my head. It's also one of the triggers for periods of non-speaking with me. Like the wolves, I am a neophobe. Resistant and often afraid of new things. I created and walk what I call the Chrysalis Path as a way to directly confront this about myself, and give myself the opportunity to embrace real change, inside and out.
As a result I've become quite the shapeshifter. I change forms inwardly and outwardly, inhabiting disparate voices in my songwriting and style, changing careers, lifestyles, relationships, and living on the road for months at a time. Somehow I tapped into my chameleon skin abilities that helped me blend into normal life, and rearranged their molecules to allow me to fully transform on a regular basis.
When I leave home it's like pressing play, and then along the way I hit record so there'll be a memory of who I was out there that I can play myself when I return. I have purposefully kept logs while driving across the country because I know I only inhabit that part of myself while I'm in motion. I cannot access it when I'm not.
All these skins I wear. Are they me? They feel real. I once wrote “you don't know walk-in closets until you've seen mine, a gallery of all the skins I've worn.” They're all me, but greater-than-me and less-than.
The archetype most on my mind this week has been Guise. Here are 5 pairs of traits I consider a part of this facet of my psyche:
Comparison/Wanting
I compare myself to others. Their success and my failure. Even with the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy” written in colourful letters across my bulletin board, I often find myself, my art, and my accomplishments wanting. I will shift my guise to match others' and feel my self-worth plummet.
Compression/Restriction
Because – as many folks have told me – I can be “too much” or “a lot” when I am my natural dynamic self, I have developed a muffler that I wear almost constantly. It's like a giant puffy envelope or weighted blanket. It helps others but it costs me by restricting the versatility of my expression.
Originality/Trailblazer
Wonder is a core value for me, and this has helped my mind protect my original creativity, openness, and out-of-the-box thinking since childhood. When I let myself passionately go for it, I can accomplish anything. But trailblazing is hard work and it can lead to burnout. Capitalism doesn't foster originality.
Mystery/Secrecy
I adore mystery and intrigue, but keeping secrets and having them kept from me has cut me very deep for as long as I can remember. While I understand that secrets can be protective, I struggle to navigate them. Transparency is my natural state; everything else is learned behaviour.
Shapeshifting/Transformation
The ability to appear as many faces translates well to the performing arts. Chameleon skin (i.e. masking) is a coping skill most neurodivergent folks employ daily. The inner work of transformation is just as challenging. All of these are well-worn practices in my shapeshifting experience.
What are your guises? Glamours you hide behind. Costumes you wear. Masks that cover your true face. Behaviours you affect so you'll blend in. Personas you adopt so you won't. What purpose do they serve?
We all find ways to protect ourselves. Guise helps to protect me. And as long as I keep protection in balance with expression, I'm in a good place. I wish the world was a safer place. What a privilege it would be if we could all be ourselves out loud and on a whim.
Stay safe, friends,
--Leslie
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